


The Human Species - A creation scenario

by Elfarock



Category: DCU
Genre: Crack, Not Canon Compliant, alfred needs a pay raise, bruce wayne is done with aliens, this is all a result of my mind wandering during classes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 22:05:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9627410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfarock/pseuds/Elfarock
Summary: Bruce Wayne discovers that aliens exist. Alcohol and pseudo-science meet. The result is not too shocking.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing crack and writing in the DC fandom  
> For maximum pleasure, please consult the links provided.

**10PM**

Bruce Wayne needed alcohol. Preferably a large quantity. He just discovered that [aliens](http://kloysius.tumblr.com/post/146396074401/and-so-i-continue-my-series-of-dignified-and) exist. As if he didn't have enough shit to deal with, with all the meta-humans and evil scientists. Why did he become Batman again ? But really, he should have expected it. He wasn't surprised easily these days, so obviously something very unsettling would happen. He should never get used to anything ever again.

All the alcohol was in the Manor above, as becoming inebriated near anything [Batman-related](https://images.moviepilot.com/images/c_limit,q_auto,w_710/w4uzu1hytkievui8o0la/these-are-10-of-batman-s-worst-gadgets-ever.jpg) wasn't really a good idea. He massaged his temples as the elevator brought him upstairs. A headache was forming behind his eyelids. The lack of sleep was one of the worst consequences of being a night-time vigilante. That and the pain. Nothing that wouldn't be solved with a good drink.

He hesitated a little before picking a bottle of vodka from his bar. He liked bourbon better but the vodka had better chances of making him forget. He settled in his most comfortable armchair and drank slowly from his [crystal glass](https://sc01.alicdn.com/kf/HT1jgKXFxRkXXagOFbXL/200532191/HT1jgKXFxRkXXagOFbXL.jpg). Because wallowing in despair is always better when done in luxury. Also, he deserved it after the day he had.

So. Aliens existed. Great. Well, that put things in perspective. Now he had to worry about the citizens of the entire galaxy turning bad.

At least he would never be bored. 

* * *

**12AM**

His concerns were numerous and he went over all of them. He should be prepared for all eventualities. The vodka relaxed him and got his mind gearing up.

"Welcome home, Mr Wayne." Alfred. Bruce had not thought he would come after him. He must have been worried.

The meta-humans were already an armful. He really struggled with them before closing in on their powers and [reingeneering](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/06/b0/df/06b0df01c0b039c536ebe4a69fd5a76b.jpg) his suit to withstand damage. He would have similar problems with aliens, maybe even worse, considering what he had seen.

"I see you have taken the news well. I would consider slowing down with that vodka, sir." Bruce snorted. As always, Alfred's dry sarcasm was the light in a dark world. But he had to be ready, he couldn't spare a second.  Time was of the essence, he didn't know when a badly-inclined alien would come by. He could already feel the paranoïa building.

"Thank you for the advice Alfred, I'll consider it."

The damage done by such individuals would be worse than what the current villains could do. He would need to act faster and be more efficient to keep the victim count in the low.

"You are welcome to call me when your alcohol intake becomes unbearable."[ Alfred](http://img.memecdn.com/alfred-after-three-movies_o_588060.jpg) disappeared.

The fallout of battles against aliens would be awful. The hits he could take, the pain he would be in, the recovery time before he could go out again... Not to mention he had to reinforce the suit, while needing it to stay as functional and light as it was now. The mental challenge itself would be a pain in the ass.

Bruce continued to prepare for all possibilities, sipping at the icy burning liquid every once in  a while.

* * *

 

**2AM**

Bruce was in the kitchen. He couldn't remember how he got there but he knew he had to find Alfred. Having heard the mess of Bruce trying to open all the cabinets to find him, Alfred appeared in the doorway. He always appeared, never walked anywhere. Bruce had inspired Batman's way of surprising his targets after Alfred. Of course he never asked his butler to explain his technique, so he dived from high buildings to get the same effect.

"Alfred ! Sit, sit, sit, I gotta tell you something." He never really slurred while drunk but he got looser with his words. After hiking up an eyebrow as high as he could in an effort to[ intimidate Bruce into submission](http://fr.web.img6.acsta.net/r_1280_720/newsv7/16/03/16/12/20/5436810.jpg) , yes that's what he was doing, Alfred sat down at the kitchen table.

"I know how the secret of humanity !"

"Is that so ? Mr Wayne, I believe you should go to sleep." Alfred was not excited. He should be. Bruce's discovery was worth more excitement than that.

"I will tell you if you promise to be more enthusiastic, Alfred. You should know, I'm a scientific genius, everything I discover is worth the amazement."

Again with the eyebrow. This time it was both of them that climbed up his forehead. Bruce wondered if they could go higher, after all Alfred had no hair to keep them confined on his forehead. He focused back on what his butler was saying.

"... obviously, so I shall listen. If you drink a glass of water."

"Good, good. Now you open up your ears, yeah ? This is the number one hypo- hypot- theory out there...

* * *

 

**A good number of years before, no less than 6. At least. (Presumably)**

 

The dinosaurs were chilling around, doing dinosaur things, like [running after jeeps](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_wssCpP4EQ) and trying to escape islands. Typical. Then there was a bright light and a thing came stumbling down the galaxy train and crashing on earth.

The thing was a comet, or a meteor, or a spaceship, whatever that's not the important part Alfred. The important part is that there was a living thing in the inside of this thing/comet/meteor/spaceship. Now, the living thing was a mammal. And it was a tiny, tiny, tiny, little thing compared to the big dinosaurs. How the living thing survived is irrelevant, Alfred come on. Maybe it was cryo- cryogen- frozen ! Or mabe it was protected by the thing/comet/meteor/spaceship. We don't care.

When the thing crashed down, it created a big smoky cloud, like really dark, like when there's a storm you know ? And at the same time, maybe it was caused by the crash, or there was already sismic activity wouldn't that be fun, there was a volcano. Like a really big one, really the biggest we have now is so puny compared to this one. Yes, puny. So the volcano erupts and it makes a big black cloud too ! Fucking coincidence right ? And the dinosaurs and the plants and all the living shit really, they don't like the cloud so they die. Because they like the sun more, and the sun is gone, Alfred. Well it's not really gone, it's just behind the cloud, but the dinosaurs, they don't know that. So. Bam ! Dead.

The thing is that the little mammal that came out of the crash, it's really adaptat- adopted- adaptative, so it lives really well in the earth and all. And it survives !! With time, there's a lot of tiny little mammals out there, who live really well and develop. They're not alone Alfred, don't be sad, there's like, crocodiles and all the shit that survived from the dinosaurs, like the fishes. And [chicken](http://cryingfowl.weebly.com/uploads/1/9/6/0/19602815/1764565_orig.jpg), who are the children of the T-Rex, obviously.

And with time, the mammal thing evolves, like Pokemon. Yes I know about Pokemon Alfred don't judge. It's strategy, it's a strategy game. Except not like pokemon. They evolve because of[ shit](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolution). That theory that's popular, the one with the Darwin guy, he already said it. There. So at the end there are humans ! That's us, Alfred.

* * *

**2:30AM**

"Anyway, so that's how I proved that humans are really aliens anyway. Anyway." Alfred didn't look convinced. He looked a little sad. His eyebrows were bunched up together a little. Maybe they were cold, so they tried to cuddle fro warmth. That's a solid strategy.

"You surely proved something, Mr Wayne. You are very coherent as a drunk. Very impressive. Now if you would go to sleep ?" Alfred took his arm and [steered him](http://images7.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED139/556f30ca91238.jpeg). Alfred was really nice. He was impressed, he said. And he was always taking care of Bruce. He should get a raise. Really.

* * *

 

**8AM**

Bruce woke up. The pain in his head nearly sent him back to sleep, anything to keep him from feeling that. A note got his attention. 

'Dear future me of the future time of tomorrow,

Give Alfred a pay raise, he is the best. Also maybe publish this awesome theory that I just discovered, because I am also the best.

All your alien problems are gone, you're welcome.'

He groaned and went back to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments !!


End file.
